One of the most challenging situations in parenting is helping your child deal with a fear of something they shouldn’t be afraid of in reality. Should you respond by attempting to reassure and comfort them? Should you challenge them to be stronger and face their fear? Knowing the underlying dynamics can help determine the best approach that will help strengthen your child’s character and prepare them for whatever life throws at them.
The NeuroChange Pathway for Transformation isn’t just for the realm of counseling, coaching, and therapy. It also provides parents with useful strategies to get the real problem beneath the surface that their children and teens are struggling with. The fear is a symptom of a deeper issue, in the core structure of their personality.
The Fear is a Sign
Throughout our lives, relational experiences shape Core Emotional Learnings in four fundamental aspects of our personality structure—we call them Core Character Traits: Attachment, Separation, Integration, and Authority. The Core Emotional Learnings in these four areas shape our perception and engagement with the world, although we may not consciously acknowledge them. They drive our thoughts, behaviors, and interactions. Healthy, positive relational experiences strengthen Core Character Traits and result in healthy behaviors; however, painful relational experiences produce deficits in the four areas and result in maladaptive symptoms—like fear.
Jesus talked on several occasions about how outward behaviors reflect the deeper parts of one’s personality. On one such occasion, in the parable of the fig tree that didn’t produce fruit in Luke 13:6-9, he talked about the man working the soil, which represents the deepest part of a person, for fruit to grow. He adds that it takes time: “‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it.” It isn’t something that automatically happens. It takes intentionality. So, there isn’t a one-time response to make the fear disappear. It will be a process that starts with looking at the deeper part of your child’s personality.
Attuning to Your Child’s Emotions
The most powerful thing you can do as a parent is to attune to the emotion your child is experiencing. Attunement is listening intently, paying attention to what your child is saying and, more importantly, feeling. Interestingly, as we attune to their feelings, mirror neurons in our own brains fire as if we are experiencing those emotions ourselves. When these mirror neurons are activated, we can show genuine understanding and support, and our child feels seen, soothed, safe, and secure.
When your child expresses their fear, it may be instinctual to offer advice or downplay the thing that is causing their fear. But, that is a sure way to end the conversation, and you’ll miss the opportunity to build up a part of their personality that has a deficit.
Start to attune by setting aside distractions and be mindful of this opportunity to connect and strengthen your relationship. Focus on what your child is saying, and especially, what they are feeling. Let your mirror neurons do their job and empathize without judgment or criticism — even if their fear seems irrational to you or out of proportion to the situation. Help your child feel heard by clarifying the fear they are expressing. Tentatively state what you think they are feeling so they know that you get it. They will correct you if you get it wrong and add more specifics. Look for non-verbal cues that point to the deep emotions they are experiencing.
Proverbs 20:5 tells us that “the purposes of the heart are deep waters, but a person of understanding draws them out.” Through attunement, you create a safe space for your child to discuss what they are experiencing. This allows you to make the connection to which of the four Core Character Traits needs to be strengthened.
Identifying the Underlying Problem
The visible symptoms are never the root problem, they merely point to micro-abilities in the four areas in the Core Character Traits that are deficient or weak. Once the real problem is identified, you can intentionally create relational experiences that build up your child where they need it.
- Attachment deals with a person’s ability to bond with other people, trusting that relationships are a secure place to process emotions and have needs met. It involves enjoying the full range of emotions, aware of how they are experienced in the body, as well as being able to express needs. Strength in this area means a person can manage and regulate intense emotions without fear of becoming overwhelmed.
- Separation deals with a person’s ability to know themselves, to differentiate from others and enjoy individuality. They know their preferences, talents, and values. Strength in this area means the person can voice opinions, maintain boundaries, and say, “No.” They have awareness of their aggressive side and can both express anger and tolerate it from others.
- Integration deals with a person’s ability to deal with reality—the good, the bad, the successes, the failures in themselves and others—and still feel lovable, desired, and competent. When a person has strong micro-abilities in the area of integration, they do not idealize others, nor are they overly optimistic. They are not judgmental and are able to forgive. They are able to live free, unfazed if their “bad parts” are exposed or they experience failure.
- Authority deals with a personal sense of agency over choices, opinions, responsibility, and initiative. Strength in this area means a person recognizes they have a strong “voice” to influence others, give commands, enforce obedience, express opinions to authority, take action, and make decisions without needing approval from authority or others. Yet they also submit to the accountability of others and to serve them, without controlling them. They experience mutuality, seeing their equal standing with other people, authority figures, and institutions. They accept the consequences of their choices.
Follow the Emotions to the Problem
Through an attuning conversation, follow your child’s emotions to uncover where the fear they are experiencing is coming from. Once that is identified, you can focus on building up his or her micro-abilities that will help them meet the demands of life.
For example, imagine this conversation with your teenage boy:
Son: “I don’t want to attend football practice today.”
You: “It’s hard work, but you are so good at it. I bet it wears you out, though.”
Son: “I’m actually a little scared.”
You: “That is surprising since you like being with your friends.”
Son: “I like them, but the coach is mean at practice.”
You: “So you don’t look forward to the possibility of him yelling at you.”
Son: “I am the best running back they have, but he always finds something to criticize me about.”
You: “And that is embarrassing.”
Son: “It isn’t so much that I worry about what the guys think. They think the coach is a jerk, too. It just feels like I am no good at all.”
You: “Oh, it kills your confidence as the best running back.”
Son: “Yes, I start messing up and then get scared that John, my backup, will replace me.”
You now have some hints at what is driving this fear. If you look at the four Core Character Trait descriptions above, you will see he seems to be struggling with integration. Knowing this will guide you in how you might help in a way that eventually decreases his fear.
Creating a Corrective Relational Experience
Neuroscience tells us our brains change primarily through relational experiences, not through advice, insight, working harder, self-awareness, pointing out how we should respond, or some prescribed behavior that will solve our problem. Your son needs what we call a Corrective Relational Experience.
As you continue to talk with him, you discover that in your enthusiasm for how well he does at sports and that he is also an A student and a very mature Christian, he feels that if he isn’t one of those things, or messes up, that you would be disappointed and actually pull away. This is precisely how shame develops: We do something (it doesn’t have to be wrong—it could be just mediocre instead of excellent) or show vulnerability and weakness, and another person withdraws or is judgmental. You can tell them your son you accept him, but words are less powerful than a relational experience.
As you listen, you continue to attune, but you are now looking for an opportunity to have a Corrective Relational Experience with him. You remember two times he messed up, and your response was surprisingly different, and you just came alongside and listened.
So you say: “You are right; I get too excited about how good you are in these ways, and it makes sense if you aren’t that way, I would not be as excited for you. It reminds me of two times when I did get it right. You got a B-, and in baseball, you made an error that lost the game. I just listened and was sad with you about both of those. That must have felt a lot better.”
Son: “I loved those times and was shocked. You are right. I need more of those.”
You: “I am glad you can feel them now that I can be close to you even when you mess up.”
Son: “Thanks, Dad.”
This is one experience that builds integration in his life and you can intentionally build more. It will help him be able to receive criticism from his coach because he realizes even when he messes up, people can still draw close to him. It relieves him of trying too hard to ensure everything he does is excellent and without mistakes. As he learns this, taking criticism will not be hard. As a result, his fear of going to practice will disappear.
The Effort is Worth It for Long-term Results
Through this meaningful relational experience, you recognized his deepest need and addressed it. Your son experienced profound change that lasts much longer than if you said, “Well, it doesn’t matter if you don’t feel like it; you are a responsible team leader, and you just need to go.” He may have gone, but in time, he would face criticism again and he wouldn’t have learned how to be okay with it. He might end up quitting anyway.
Helping children cope with fear and other deep emotions requires creating a safe space for open communication through attunement and empathy. As your child feels seen, soothed, safe, and secure, you will have the opportunity to follow their emotions and identify the micro-ability in their core personality traits (attachment, separation, integration, and authority) that needs to be strengthened. By providing this support, we lay the groundwork for our children’s emotional growth and resilience.
