One of our great promises as Christians is that Jesus doesn’t just save us for an eternal future with God but changes us in the here and now. He doesn’t just forgive us of our sins but then leave us stuck where we are—he transforms us. He’s making us new. But how does this change happen? How do we grow in our faith? How do we heal from deep hurts? How do we experience change in our thoughts, attitudes, and bad behavior?
It is important to remember that Jesus, our creator, deeply understood the mechanisms behind profound change. He demonstrated Corrective Relational Experiences and memory reconsolidation techniques with the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4. Modern neuroscience research has only recently uncovered what Jesus understood two thousand years ago.
Jesus Created a Safe Place for Change to Happen
In John 4, we witness one of Jesus’ most impactful encounters with an individual and a remarkably thorough account of their conversation. The woman’s emotional state becomes apparent: she carried a sense of shame as she visited the well at noon, intentionally avoiding others who would judge her due to her five divorces. She was continually looking for a safe place where she could escape shame.
When Jesus asked the woman for a drink of water, she was surprised because she had always been “one-down” or “less than” as a Samaritan and a woman.
“‘You are a Jew, and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?’ (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.)” (John 4:9)
Jesus initiated the conversation and showed her this was a safe space by humbling himself and expressing his vulnerable need (he needed a drink and had nothing to get it with). He did not use his position as a rabbi and status as a Jewish male to demand it from her. Instead, he gave her a choice when he asked: “Will you give me a drink?” He found a way to relate to her in a natural, genuine way that valued her as a person with equal status.
We call this a Corrective Relational Experience because the way he was relating to her was so different from what she used to. Through this experience, Jesus communicated their mutuality and validated her value and voice: she was contributing to his wellbeing and had the authority to choose to provide him with water.
Jesus Deepened the Conversation through Self-disclosure
Jesus then moved into a deeper conversation beyond a transactional one. He created healthy intimacy and safety for her through self-disclosure and continued vulnerability.
“If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” (John 4:10)
With this statement, he revealed more about himself that she would not know, hoping she would follow suit and uncover her real needs.
Her response demonstrates a couple of things. Firstly, she addressed Jesus as “sir,” which is more mutual than how she first addressed him as a Jew. Secondly, she kept the conversation superficial by asking questions. She still struggled to open up about her needs and deep sense of shame.
“‘Sir,’ the woman said, ‘you have nothing to draw with, and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it, as did his sons and his livestock?” (John 4:11,12)
Jesus Connected to Her Surface Need to Her Deep Need
Jesus maintained the safe space for vulnerability by revealing a little more about himself and connecting it to her needs. He knew these needs existed even though she hadn’t been able to bring them into the conversation directly. He allowed her to be more vulnerable about her needs and situation at her own pace. He responded,
“Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
She then took a small step into vulnerability and brought her needs into the conversation by saying,
“Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”
In those moments, she only had the capacity to apply it to her physical needs: thirst and drawing water from this well. Yet, she hoped to meet the more profound need for connection and feeling good enough, not “one-down.” These are the “thirsty” needs she kept ineffectively trying to quench. She was still too ashamed to take this more profound relational step with Jesus, and truthfully, she didn’t have the skills to do so.
Jesus Unburied Her Deep Needs, Affirmed Her, and Stayed Close
Jesus sensed the needs were a little closer to the surface, so he helped remove the shame that kept them buried. He knew the only way for her shame to dissipate was to expose it. He wanted to connect with her at the most basic level of her needs, but first, she had to experience the shame with him. So, he said,
“Go call your husband and come back.” (John 4:16).
She attempted to avoid revealing her shame by saying:
“I have no husband.” (John 4:17).
She hoped to satisfy his question and maintain the surface-level interaction to keep Jesus from getting too close to her real needs. She must have thought, “Anytime I let a man close, they either judge me and tell me I don’t measure up or want to climb into bed with me. Both are hurtful and shaming and don’t give me the thirst-quenching experience I want.”
Jesus broke through her defensive move, saying,
“You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.” (John 4:17)
He warmly affirmed the positive thing in her response (her truth-telling) even though he knew she was attempting to cover up the shame. He was nonjudgmental and non-confrontative. This began another relational experience very different from what she had become accustomed to.
What We Usually Get Wrong About This Story
We usually conclude that Jesus told the woman to call her husband so he could point out her sin. It is important to note that Jesus never addressed her “symptom” of sexual promiscuity. He never confronted her behavior even though it was a sin.
Instead, he recognized that these sinful actions were driven by profound emotional struggles related to insecurity about acceptance, adequacy, and respect. He clearly understood that to facilitate deep change, one must focus on the underlying core character traits rather than the symptoms.
Jesus Met Her Where She Was
Once her “bad parts” and shame became part of the present experience, she tried even more to keep the conversation superficial for fear of being overwhelmed by them.
‘“Sir,’ the woman said, ‘I can see that you are a prophet. Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.’” (John 4:19,20)
Jesus knew that even if she could not take that step of vulnerability, he could still provide a Corrective Emotional Experience that would begin decreasing her shame. So, Jesus again connected to her superficial interaction. This respected where she was rather than judging where she should be. For the first time, he addressed her using as close to her first name as possible in the first-century Jewish culture so she could feel him talking directly to her.
“‘Woman,’ Jesus replied, ‘believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and truth.’” (John 14:21-24)
Jesus Validated Her Good Parts with the Bad
He could have focused on so many other things about God and theology. Instead, he emphasized what connected to her need: She had direct access to a relationship with God. Samaritans were seen as outside of salvation (“salvation is from the Jews”), and with Jesus announcing the new age of God’s Kingdom, she would see herself as a part of this salvation family. Yet, Jesus validated her as a person who thirsts for righteousness, a “true worshiper.” Jesus saw in her a deep desire to know the truth and follow God. The “bad” did not wipe out the good in her. Jesus conveyed more value and a sense of belonging for her by saying she was the kind of worshipper the Father seeks.
Jesus stayed and talked to her for quite some time. We know it was a significant amount of time because the disciples were surprised to see him still talking with her upon their return from town. Much more was said than what is in the recorded summary of the conversation. She likely shared more of her situation, sinful behaviors, and shame. In the moment, she could sense her thirst for acceptance, forgiveness, and belonging being quenched.
Jesus Brought Healing Through a Corrective Relational Experience
The woman’s shame was created when people saw her “bad parts,” judged her, and, more devastatingly, moved away from her. She sensed their cold condemnation and emotional distance. She felt “less than,” unlovable, flawed.
Instead of her usual experience of judgment and rejection when people knew of her promiscuity—the source of her shame—Jesus stayed with her, drew closer, and found areas to affirm her.
This new relational experience became deeply embedded in her neurology, and started to delete the old, shameful experiences. Jesus provided a Corrective Relational Experience—a fancy neurological term for grace—and it was incredibly healing.
Her shame dissipated the same way it is created—in the context of a relational experience. Jesus drew close to her while the shameful experience was present, and it decreased her shame. She experienced firsthand that people could remain close to her despite the “bad parts.” They could value her, enjoy her, and want to include her.
Jesus Deepened the Experience with Meta-Processing
After Jesus shared about the arrival of God’s Kingdom happening around them, she responded a little more vulnerably by admitting her confusion about this. This allowed Jesus to make an even deeper connection through a vulnerable self-disclosure that, up until this point, he made with no one else. The woman said,
“‘I know that Messiah’ (called Christ) ‘is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.’” (John 14:25)
Then Jesus shared,
“‘I, the one speaking to you—I am he.’” (John 14:26)
This may not seem very vulnerable on Jesus’ part, but Jesus had not even shared that he is the Messiah with his disciples, his family, or anyone else yet in his public ministry. A closeness had developed between them, so Jesus felt she was safe to share something he had kept hidden.
This final experience between Jesus and the woman is the most intimate because they experienced each other in the moment. This is called “meta-processing”. It also deepens the new neural pathways.
The Immediate Effects of the Corrective Emotional Experience
We can already observe the impact of this Corrective Emotional Experience on her thinking and behavior. Before, she did not want to interact with anyone in the village, so she came out to draw water in the middle of the hot day. She isolated herself. She also did not believe she had the authority to be considered by others in her community. But now, look at what took place after her conversation with Jesus.
“Then, leaving her water jar, the woman returned to the town and told the people. ‘Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?’ They came out of the town and made their way toward him… Many Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony, ‘He told me everything I ever did.’ So when the Samaritans came to him, they urged him to stay with them, and he stayed two days. And because of his words, many more became believers. They said to the woman, ‘We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man is the Savior of the world.’” (John 4:28-30; 39-42)
This Corrective Relational Experience transformed her and the entire village. Her shame was gone. She could have pointed out that Jesus was the most intelligent man that she had ever met—which he was. Or he was the most eloquent and motivating speaker she had ever met—which he was. Instead, she told them, “He knew all about me.”
She now felt comfortable talking to everyone in the town. She felt confident that she had equal authority to be heard and that she had something important to say. The villagers sensed the change in her because they listened and believed her. This gave her additional Corrective Relational Experiences to bolster her new identity (some call it a narrative, or Paul refers to it as a “new creation”).
How Counselors, Coaches, and Leaders Can Facilitate Change Like Jesus Did
We can follow Jesus’ example in creating Corrective Relational Experiences that align with how God designed our brains to grow and change. When we do, we can accelerate and deepen transformation in others, providing new ways of relating to ourselves, others, and God.
Jesus knew the deeper reality of what the Samaritan woman was experiencing under the surface. He could see it by her actions and how she related to him. That is why counselors, coaches, and leaders must know how human personality works at the deepest levels. It guides them where to focus for faster and more profound growth and healing. We call them NeuroDynamic Techniques.
You can experience these techniques for your own growth and transformation in Process Growth Groups at Makin Institute. You can also learn to facilitate accelerated deep change with people you serve by becoming a Certified NeuroChange Professional through certification courses and a Process Growth Group with your cohort.
