I recently attended a funeral service that included a time to celebrate the life of a family member who had passed while grieving the loss of our relationship with him. The writer of Ecclesiastes speaks of loss and sorrow as a part of our reality. Grieving allows us to let go of what is wrong or bad in this world as well as the people and things we can no longer have.
To navigate negative realities, God gave us grief to process or digest life’s hardships, hurts, and heartbreaks. Sometimes, a disaster, a loss, or some misfortune gets stuck in us like undigested food that shuts us down and limits our ability to function as we ought to.
The grief process, while painful, needs two things: acceptance and friends. The writer of Ecclesiastes tells us it’s better to go into a house of mourning than one of laughter. No one wants to enter into sorrow or sadness voluntarily; however, it’s better to acknowledge the pain and loss than ignore or pretend the ache isn’t there. That takes quite a bit of courage.
However, the loss might be too much to handle on our own. Ecclesiastes advises us, “By yourself, you’re unprotected. With a friend, you can face the worst.” We are most helped when we’re not alone in our pain and hurt. Jesus instructs us: “You are blessed when you’ve lost what’s most dear to you, for you will be given comfort.” When we admit, rather than hide our grief, others can see our unhappiness, move toward us, sit with us in our sadness, and give us comfort.
Unfortunately, many people are uncomfortable with the hurt they sense in others and instead try to ignore it or make it go away, so everyone feels better. I recall a scene at a funeral when someone tragically lost her nephew, and everyone around her was trying to make her feel better by saying: “he’s in a better place now,” “Jesus must have needed him more in heaven,” or “remember, God’s in charge.”
Their efforts to cheer her up didn’t help. She cried louder as they tried to console her with: “He’s finally at peace, and you need to let him go.”
My heart went out to her, so I connected with her and said: “What you’re going through is so painful; I’m sorry. I’d imagine you would do anything to have him back!” She started talking about how much she missed him and couldn’t imagine life without him. As she shared, she felt understood as somebody finally accepted how awful this felt and allowed her space to process her loss.
Grief doesn’t get better unless we talk about the pain with someone who “gets in the well” (Prov. 20:5) with us.
Having someone make space for our pain is part of God’s method to help us move forward. So instead of ignoring someone’s pain or trying to make it go away, try saying something like:
- ”This has got to be so hard to go thru…say more.”
- “I can tell this is difficult…I’m here for you. Can you tell me more?”
Then listen to their emotion and be a container for them as Romans 7:15 tell us: “Mourn with those who grieve.”
Life is full of sad, bad, and maddening experiences. Thankfully God has given us a way through them rather than remaining trapped by them. Sharing all those hard times with someone safe can, over time, metabolize painful experiences that become a part of our life story.
